I used to think about all good things, "I don't deserve this," in this godly, grateful way, in awe of everything given by grace. But what I am realizing is that there is an even better truth: I DO deserve it, whatever it is. I deserve everything that perfect Jesus deserves.
So when I am going after something I want, I can ask myself the question, "Does Jesus deserve this?" Because we have already established that our desires are good since we have the mind of Christ, the answer is probably yes. That means I deserve it, too!
Humility is one of the most attractive qualities about that man, and yet, He knows how to say no to what is good to free Himself to say yes to the best. And I'm the daughter of my perfect Heavenly Father, so whatever my big brother Jesus deserves, I do, too.
If I'm stuck in a job that I don't like, there is a reason I don't like it, and I'm not being selfish or ungrateful to believe there is something better and keep searching and interviewing until I get it. What glory does it give to God if I'm stuck in a bad relationship where I'm not being honored or cherished or appreciated for who He created me to be? In the same way, I can choose to allow my circumstances build my character, but not to the point of settling for less than I deserve. When I am not being utilized for my strengths and talents, and my brain is slowly shutting down from lack of stimulation, truthfully, I deserve better because Jesus deserves to get more out of me!
If I complain because my heart is broken, it is only because I know there is a higher height to be attained. I could complain out of false humility, or my complaints could be derived from a sense of entitlement. Without swinging either way into these extremes, it is not prideful to determine that we deserve better, or more. How will we reach the fullness Christ paid for if we don't believe this about ourselves?
If there is something I want but what I really believe about myself is that I don't deserve it, then I am going to go after it half-heartedly. Instead, I should be recognizing the opportunity to achieve God's best and go for the gold! Our achievements as the Body of Christ should raise the bar for the rest of the world. When someone is praying for my healing, and I test it out, let's be honest: I expect to still feel the pain. We need to let God re-wire our minds to expect to be given what we are asking for! If it were Jesus' body, (which it in fact is because He dwells in us) wouldn't we have the mentality that He deserves it? So get it!
You are allowed to say, "That's mine, I'll take it!" We can sit in the midst of a field of dandelions and say, "Thanks, God, for making these weeds pretty," or we can walk ten steps into the unlocked fragrant rose garden next door, and sing and dance there. Which would actually delight our Father? There is a place for contentment in less-than-desirable circumstances and a gratitude for being stretched, being thankful for all things. But I think we are supposed to be thankful for all things because God brings good out of them, not because the things in and of themselves are necessarily good. We can rejoice because we have the cloud and the fire with us on our journey, but personally, I'm not going to start laying bricks on the other side of the river from my Promised Land. I'll make it a well while I'm on my way, and keep moving forward until I get there.
Heaven and Hail
This morning I woke up at 5am. It did not make me happy, but I was saturated in the Presence. So I asked what was up.
Interestingly, I was thinking of The Office after watching two episodes last night. The Office makes me think of LA. And screenwriting. A workshop I once attended brought up Jim and Pam and the way their relationship was built up throughout seasons. I thought about how long ago that was, and how much longer thereafter was the proposal. God told me to google the proposal, to figure out the airdate.
I took off my eyemask, which I rarely wear, to look it up on my phone (that way I don't have to get out of bed and maybe I have a chance at going back to sleep). There was a ton of lightening, like a strobe light, and no thunder. There have been a couple of times that God has woken me up at random times and said, "don't be afraid; pray" right before a mini-earthquake near LA. Once I saw the lightening I wondered if there was a tornado coming, (a legitimate concern after the tornadoes that have ripped through the midwest this summer) that may have woken me up itself if I hadn't woken up at 5am on my own, and maybe God was warning me to get out of bed.
I heard, "Exodus" and I knew the air date was to give me numbers to look up, like a little treasure hunt. It was September 25 (2008) that someone had written a review of that particular episode, so the air date must have been the 24th.
Exodus 9:25 (NLT) says, "It left all of Egypt in ruins. The hail struck down everything in the open field—people, animals, and plants alike. Even the trees were destroyed." I looked back at verse 24 (KJV) and it was worse: "So there was hail, and fire mingled with the hail, very grievous, such as there was none like it in all the land of Egypt since it became a nation."
I didn't really like that. If I ever get a word or a verse that is negative, I have to look for the "But God..." that comes next. There was devastating fire and hail like Egypt had never seen, that destroyed the land. BUT, "where the children of Israel were, there was no hail" (Exodus 9:26).
That obviously didn't connect for me, because it's August, and it doesn't hail in August anyway. Once in July when I was like 8, it did, suddenly, in the middle of the day, when I was standing alone on my porch. Basically, hail in the midwest in the summer is actually extremely rare.
This was important for me because yesterday I was uncovering this deep-seated belief of a lie that I don't hear from God well- that I am typically hard of hearing, and usually wrong. It's not that He doesn't speak to me, it's that I never quite get it. I listened to a message that ended up being about hearing from God, and the fact that He answers our prayers- that He IS Who He IS in spite of our doubt. That stupid lie- it's really hindered my prayers lately, and I wanted out of it. So I repeated all day, "I hear from You! You speak my language! You know just what to say, and just how to say it so I understand!"
I've also been talking to God lately about His timing, and the tension that dreams create when we're not ready to pursue them, or we do pursue them and fail. And how hard it is to trust that some things not seeming to work out were brought into our lives in the right timing- how timing is not necessarily the issue, because there's this thing God operates under called "leeway"- or rather, grace. And when we are having doubts, it is from a lack of trust, and lack of trust comes from not really understanding God's grace.
Getting a verse like that, completely irrelevant, or so vaguely connected it doesn't make sense, could have been really discouraging. But I chose in faith to see if maybe, just maybe that "storm" had anything to do with hail. It really seemed to just be heat lightening, because there wasn't even all that much rain. I checked the Weather ap on my phone, and in Indianapolis, there was no indication of rain, not a cloud on the doppler, and no severe weather warnings, either. And honestly, the flashes of light coming in my window were more likely to be coming from the air field next door. I figured I didn't need to go outside, because if there were hail, it would be reported.
However, I did not have my location services on. There was nothing going on in Indianapolis. In Fishers, the doppler showed green cloud- light rain, and little spots of orange-red. And there was a severe weather warning for a severe thunderstorm "capable of producing quarter-sized hail".
He protects. He always protects. In the midst of my doubt, He uses things like The Office (remember the proposal happened in the rain- I can't remember rain in any other episode) to remind me that even in the rain, He sees me, and quiets the thunder so I can hear His voice.
The Merry-Go-notalltheway-Around
"Actually, this is a ferris wheel- that doesn't go all the way around. He has established some sort of a stop. In the past, you had anticipation: things look good, then they go low again... -It's not going down. It's still moving, to have variety, between up, and up. Up... way up... up. Back and forth, day and night; skip the low; glory to glory."
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